Of course this is gonna be a rant. Hence the title of my post! 

I saw the Principal again today and I finally gave into the temptation. I just couldn't help myself. When you havn't had something in so long it's almost impossible to not give in and I'd been fighting it for so long. I wanted it, needed SO bad. It was so good too. But of course the minute it was over I was overwhelmed with guilt. He kept telling me not to worry , it was all good but I couldn't help it.  I felt awful... Yep.. I did it... I had cheesecake.  But it's okay. I've been working out and running so HOPEFULLY my pants wont get tight on me soon making me feel like a haaawg! 

I haven't posted in far too loong. Matt met the Principal. That didn't go well. As usual I don't have too much time to post tonight but this is one I wanted to jot down because it's a biggie. 

Got a new e-pal and he's the best. We hooked up quite by accident, I actually did an oopsies  but in the end it worked out. He's brilliant and I'm so glad and excited about it. 

Much more to tell. But so little time I really need to get to bed. 

Done with him. Unless he contacts me first I'm thinking of just forgetting I ever virtually-met him. hurts too much. :(

     

I haven't been away that long have I have 63 new messages! Dang! lotta reading to catch up on. 

Now's not the time though, I'm in a rush, just thought I'd jot a few things down. 

Chris dropped his therapy, says it's a bunch of crap. *sigh* well it lasted much longer than I thought it would. Not only that but i think he's met someone, he's acting different. Not that i care really, just hope he keeps it discreet and I hope it changes his attitude. 

My son is stinking it up in history class, but I talked to his teacher and apparently he's just done bad on a couple of tests that even the teacher admitted were too hard, everyone in the class had a hard time with them not just him. 

I'm doing excellent in school btw *pats herself on the back* Total opposite of when i was in school waaay back! 

Matt did bring up the kiss after all, but said he was just being a drunk idiot and asked that I please forgive him and forget about  it. It'll never happen again... we'll see. 

Saw the Principal again, and we talk daily on the phone. He's asking a lot about Matt now. Says he just doesn't get it. Whats there to get? But after Vegas I suppose he does have a point. Of course i didn't tell him about Vegas. His
words already ooze with sarcasm whenever we speak of Matt. Why add more to it?   

My writing is at an official stand still. I just haven't had the time or energy to write lately. Oh and speaking of writing Jakes fallen off the face of the earth. Why the hell do I care so much? I'm tempted EVERY day to message him. And everyday it's a struggle to stop myself. I'm so pathetic.

I've been running again just in my yard for now. It's big enough! I'll take to the streets soon, haven't been to the gym in a while. I'll admit it now, I'm avoiding Joel.       
  

    

Wow. So was the Principal right or was it just the alcohol? Shit, I'm not a little girl but I do know that alcohol plays a big roll in people inhibitions and what not. God knows I've done/said some stupid things in my time that I wished to hell I could take back the next morning. So was this one of those moments for Matt?

Okay we took off to Vegas on Friday, sang at the top of our lungs to 80's music it was great. NOTHING like my trips to Vegas with Chris. OMG! I always take books with me when me and him go anywhere so I can read until we get there. Whatever, so we get to Vegas check in our room was the coolest, he paid for the suite btw so that was a plus. It was actually only one bedroom and the other bed was in the front room (sofa bed) I got the room he! First night was cool, gambling, drinking, eating, shopping. We actually got back to the room fairly early around midnight anyway and we talked and had a few more beers then went to bed. Next day again was very nice, breakfast then we drove around and saw a few of the newest casinos, then the outlets (got a new purse! Yay!) then back to the room changed and then my gift to me. I went down to the spa and got the most incredible massage. Went back to the room and took a nap then woke up starving so I called Matt who was in the Casino (he opted out of the massage and naptime) he sounded a little buzzed and said he'd pass on eating too so I ordered room service. After, I took a shower got all prettied up and went downstairs, I couldn't find him for a while then saw him heading out from the restrooms and he was looking pretty goofy. I insisted he eat something so we got him a slice of pizza and he seemed to sober up a little bit. They had a band in one of the lounges playing Prince music, it was so cool so we danced! How long had it been since I'd been dancing? idk but too long. The dancing seemed to sober Matt up so then we stepped out of there to cool off a little and play a little blackjack. The drinks started coming and I started feeling good, while Matt was waaay ahead of me. ANYWAY, long story short, by the end of the night Matt was pretty wasted and I had to kind of help him back to the room when we got there I was fumbling for the key in my purse and he was leaning against the door way inches away from my face and then it happend. He kissed me. Not a long wet one or anything just more of a peck with some slight tongue action. It was kind of sloppy actually. And he said I was so beautiful. he stared at my shocked eyes for a second, then he stood up straight real quick and apologized. Like it sobered him up suddenly once we were in the room he apologized again and again then went into the restroom FOREVER I thought he passed out but he came out finally face all washed up and he again apologized over and over. I told him to forget about it, he sat down on the sofa and within minutes he was out. 

Here's the thing, it was never mentioned again and I kind of believe he forgot it ever happend. He didn't act wierd, or anything and he didn't apologize again. I never brought it upand that was that. The ride home was like any other laughing, talking arguing about the stupidest things. So what now? I'm certainly not mentioning to Chris, what for? and of course the Principal won't hear about it either. Something tells me hed be smug about it. Was it just the alcohol? Will it happen again? Could he really have those kind of feelings for me? It's insane!  We argue like brother and sister all the time.  he's really become one of my closest friends, and he wouldn't do that to his brother. hmm a lot to think about. I'd hate to lose his friendship, I don't want to start thinking about spending less time with him. I like having him around. He's my pal. sigh

There will be more on this I'm sure

Oh yeah, pathetically I sent Jake a message today. Of course he hasn't responded.

Not too much time here. But had to get this down. I just deleted this long ass ramble trying to justify something that is obviously wrong. If it weren't then I wouldn't be spending so much time trying to explain why it isn't. 

The short and sweet of it is this. I saw the Principal again. Though we didn't nor have we ever done anything wrong. Theres no doubt in my mind that although I don't consider my marriage a typical one, Chris would still absolutely flip. So why do I justify it? For the simple fact that I see the Principal like any other guy friend I've gone to lunch with or had coffee with. Just a friend. A good one that I can really talk to. I'm not young and naive anymore. I know no man is in it just for the friendship. No man will invest this much time if its all for nothing. No matter how noble a friend. In the end they're all thinking the same thing. But I was hoping, this guy would be different.  Matt and I are great friends and we would never DREAM of doing anything the thought has never crossed my mind anyway. And though we do argue a lot we are still really tight. 

Well... up until today. The Principal has never so much as uttered anything inappropriate. Well I'll take that back way back before he knew my marital status because we just hadn't gone there yet he did come on pretty strong but once he knew my situation he really backed off and has been totally respectful since. So I mentioned the other day that I'm going to Vegas next week. And as usual he doesn't ask nosey questions. Why? With who? for how long? just "really good for you. Go have fun." 

So today the subject of Matt comes up when he asked where my kids were. (My son is with Matt and his sons at a Monster Truck show.) Now I've mentioned Matt to the P before. But not in depth, just that he is my brother-in-law and that he is often over here when he has his boys and me and the kids do a lot of stuff with them.  I've mentioned how its wierd that I've always been able to talk to Matt much better than my own husband. And that in a way he;'s like an older brother to me. He's never commented much on it. Then Vegas comes up again and I'm in the middle of a sentence where I mention that I'm going with Matthew. He stops me mid-sentence to ask "Just you and him?" and I say yeah, well unless my other brother in law can make it but right now it's looking like they won't. Then he makes a very UNcharacteristic remark for him. It's almost sarcastic. "When you said you two were close I didn't realize how close." And of course being the insecure, paranoid person that I am, I immediately snap. "What does that mean?"
Long story short, he back peddled but he was wierd after that. And though we changed the subject he kept coming back to it. He's very smart so he would do it in subtle ways. He basically wanted to know if we've ever done something like this before me and Matt. Which the answer was nope. But I'm not even nervous about it. It's like I'm going with a my best girl-friend I'm all psyched.  One thing I definately noticed is the P changed. He seemed different not as nice. And now I get home and I have an e-mail from him where he basically says, very eloquently I might add, that he's while he risks sounding incredibly intrusive. I'm a grown woman and I know what I'm doing but he doesn't think it's a good idea. He wants me to call him. *sigh*  I know where this is going. If it were truly a platonic friendship between me and him he woudln't care. Then I tell myself maybe he is just worried about me. Right?  Anyway I don't know why but I feel pretty bummed about this.