My Secret Garden

Feeling a little blue tonight.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:35:33 GMT

Actually feeling a lot blue. My birthday is rolling around soon and I'm so not looking forward to it. Idk I just would like for it to be happy and as long as things are the way they are, it's like why even celebrate? We'll go to dinner I'm sure, but it's all such a joke. Then the holidays. Well as long as the kids are happy I suppose I can cope, the decorating and shopping and cooking should keep me busy. I just wish we could skip my birthday.

Chris is making sure he"ll be here the day of because Melanie made him promise he would. She still believes the fairytale. I remember a time when I would really look forward to it. For the longest I was like a child about it. Now I just wish it would go away.

On a lighter note and way off the subject. Dodgers finally get some hope. Lets hope Torre can do something. And the Raiders are just plain worthlesss. But like Jake says.. true fans inherit their teams, choice was never an option. God I miss him..aaaaand depression sinks right back in!

My new e-pal says some pretty amazing things too. Maybe I'll go read some more of him instead...

Oh! I have to write at least one positive thing here, besides the dodgers getting a new manager. I actually wrote a little today, and man it felt good! And, I lost a few pounds so my going back to working out was totally worth it. I know it's all water weight but still!!!

Geez!!

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 00:24:17 GMT

I finally got a chance to read some of my messages in here I had over 300 mainly notification of freinds new entries.I tried to read some of them but I had 27 pages!! Not gonna happen. Not too mention I keep getting two of them mixed up! Their entries are equally sad :(

Anyway so this is also my chance to sit and write a bit about whats been going on.

Well the fires are gone and luckily my area was unscathed. Though the smoke made it's way through here and hung around for a few days making my breathing miserable. But it's gone now.

Soccer game today 2-1/2 bloody hours away! But they won so I guess it was worth it. Only on the way home I decide to get starbucks through the drive thru. Of course the person in front of me is an anal ass that sent his coffee back several times for what ever reason. I'm sitting there for what seems like forever and alll of a sudden I see smoke rising from under my hood! My car was overheating! I finally made it out of there but had to park for a good 15 minutes til it cooled down. Luckily this happend just minutes from my home but it was still a scary and frustrating moment.

So I finally got my ass back in the gym. I swear I always start and hang in there for several months promising myself that I won't stop this time and then of course I stop. Though in my defense this time, what happend was pretty mortifying. Most people would've never gone back and did right after it happend even. But then every time after that I made an excuse. So I walk in chin up and of course Joel is there. I say hello like nothing and he is pleasant but acts very disinterested, no "how have you been? or even where have you been?" Just hi. Kind of surprised me but I was relieved. I just want it to be as if nothing ever happend and so it was.

I tried not to over do it like I always do when I finally make my way back to the gym because then the next day I'm hurting like hell. So I had a nice intense but not too intense work out. So I feel good. I decided no more beer either. From now on if I must have a drink it will be wine. Every time I have even just a couple my pants immediately get tighter. So no mas! Not even light!

Matthew called and started in on my about the Principal. Did I ever write anything about their meeting? uughh i'm too lazy to go back and check. If I haven't I will get to later too much for now. But M is driving me nuts about it already. Says The P is a sly one, smoooth talker after only one thing. *sigh* that one thing wouldn't be so bad every once and a while. But not now, my muscles are begining to ache a bit. A nice hot bath and a glass of wine sounds grrreat right about now. Haven't had me one of either in a while. Oh but I have so much homework!!! I'll do it after. I SWEAR.. yeah what are the odds I'll stay awake for after that combo?

I deserve it. Homework can wait!

oh and as much as I hate to admit it. I still think of him constantly.

Sick as a dog

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:42:09 GMT

Who thought of that saying? Do dogs ever really get sick? Anyway all I know is I woke up this morning barely able to catch my breathe. My chest was felt so heavy and I honestly thought I was gonna pass out. I'm feeling better now , but my chest still hurts and everytime I cough it feels like my lungs are going to explode. I'm going to the doctor.

Of course Chris is gone until next week so I'm on my own with the kids Holloween, soccer tournament. I wouldn't be surprised if I have pneumonia, the way my chest feels. I literally have to tiny little breaths. Just thought I'd write this down in case I don't make it back. lol I know drama queen. Off to urgent care *sigh*

Oh and my truck said I have one mile til empty so I'll probably end up running out of gas and walking! uugghh

Firestorm!

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 16:08:44 GMT

Lot's and lots of fires all over California! It's soo crazy they just keep popping up all over! For more details

http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/front

At night we can see the fire in the nearby mountains. Very eerie sight.

I'll post more laters.

Aging Parents and Uncle Joe

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 01:34:36 GMT

Of course this is gonna be a rant. Hence the title of my post!

Well today was my day with the parents. Mom is finally getting a hang of using the computer (It's only been two years since she got it!) She still doesn’t fully get the concept of why her phone line is tied up when she’s on it. (Yes she has dial up) And my dad stil cusses at the phone and tries to fix it when he attempts to make a call and my mom is on the computer. But they refuse to get DSL because the last time the phone guy came out to the house (about 15 years ago) there was some spare change missing that she just KNOWS she left on the kitchen counter. My parents are frugal so I know there couldn’t have been more than a few dimes lying around unattended. *rolls eyes* Anyway so I went about explaining some of the things she said she’d been stuck on and couldn’t figure out. Mind you everything I showed her she SWORE she’d already tried. But magically it worked when we did it together. But I kept getting “I did that! And it wouldn’t go there.” Doesn’t help that she insists on typing everything herself “otherwise how is she gonna learn” So everything takes forever cause she types with her two index fingers and even with glasses she keeps having to squint down at the keyboard. Then she goes on to tell me she might just get rid of the computer all together because she’s heard so much about how hackers can get into her house through the computer! Oy vey! My attempts to explain what they meant by hacking into your computer, was futile. At this point I hope she does get rid of the damn thing. Didn’t help that Uncle Joe was over there again playing checkers with dad and mom had to keep telling them to lower their voices. Well at least no checker-table got flipped over in a fit of rage... this time.

Then we went into our weekly lesson on how to retrieve your voicemail from your cell phone. EVERY week we go through this. And every week I leave several messages that I get to hear for myself when I go over the following week. All are New messages. Speaking of messages, I’ve explained to both my parents many times that when they leave me a message they need to wait until after the beep to start talking. They NEVER do. And it never fails they always end up arguing with one another, and its captured all on my voicemail! Even the kids tell me never to erase their messages. They get a big kick out of them and like hearing them over and over. Give them a few more years and they’ll be as sick of them as I am. Though, some are pretty funny. I wonder if there’s any way I could ever post it on here so anyone can take a listen and chuckle. Oh but they’re in spanish so many probably wouldn’t get them. I’ll write out a sample one then. Lol I’m already cracking up. This was last nights. Because even though I’ve been going over every Thursday for the past 3 years, it’s our weekly visit they still call every Wednesday night to ask “are you coming over tomorrow?” uuggh

Here it goes. This is word for word. Well as best as I can translate anyway.

You have one unheard message. First unheard message.

“...if not, that’s okay its just that the meat we get down here hasn’t been really good lately. I’m gonna tell her! Here! do you want to leave the message? (lots of muffling) ......uh, oh what was I gonna (dad in background: “see I knew you’d forget!) Well how can I concentrate with you huffing in my ear? You made me forget, why don’t you go to the other room? Don’t forget your shoes; I don’t want them in here. (Then she actually says my name several times like was really talking to me) Oh yeah, this is a message (more muffling) what do I press here? ...

Beep! End of messages.

EVERY TIME! There were several follow up’s to this I assure you, because after all she didn’t get to tell the ever so important thing my dad wanted her to tell me, and that was not to make any chili, they’ll make it this time the last time he had mine it flared up his roids. Uuugghh TMI!!!

And then there’s Uncle Joe. He’s quite the ladies man at the senior center. His famous line is, “We can stay out pretty late tonight. I’ve adjusted my meds accordingly.” No lie! And he brags about it. Btw in my dad’s defense Uncle Joe is usually the checker-table flipper. He’s my mom’s brother. Quite a handful, my dad acts like he doesn’t like him around but if he weren’t around he’d be bored stiff or arguing endlessly with my mom.

Feeling so guilty! :(

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:29:24 GMT

I saw the Principal again today and I finally gave into the temptation. I just couldn't help myself. When you havn't had something in so long it's almost impossible to not give in and I'd been fighting it for so long. I wanted it, needed SO bad. It was so good too. But of course the minute it was over I was overwhelmed with guilt. He kept telling me not to worry , it was all good but I couldn't help it. I felt awful... Yep.. I did it... I had cheesecake. But it's okay. I've been working out and running so HOPEFULLY my pants wont get tight on me soon making me feel like a haaawg!

I haven't posted in far too loong. Matt met the Principal. That didn't go well. As usual I don't have too much time to post tonight but this is one I wanted to jot down because it's a biggie.

Got a new e-pal and he's the best. We hooked up quite by accident, I actually did an oopsies but in the end it worked out. He's brilliant and I'm so glad and excited about it.

Much more to tell. But so little time I really need to get to bed.

Done with him. Unless he contacts me first I'm thinking of just forgetting I ever virtually-met him. hurts too much. :(

Holy Smoke!

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:40:11 GMT

I haven't been away that long have I have 63 new messages! Dang! lotta reading to catch up on.

Now's not the time though, I'm in a rush, just thought I'd jot a few things down.

Chris dropped his therapy, says it's a bunch of crap. *sigh* well it lasted much longer than I thought it would. Not only that but i think he's met someone, he's acting different. Not that i care really, just hope he keeps it discreet and I hope it changes his attitude.

My son is stinking it up in history class, but I talked to his teacher and apparently he's just done bad on a couple of tests that even the teacher admitted were too hard, everyone in the class had a hard time with them not just him.

I'm doing excellent in school btw *pats herself on the back* Total opposite of when i was in school waaay back!

Matt did bring up the kiss after all, but said he was just being a drunk idiot and asked that I please forgive him and forget about it. It'll never happen again... we'll see.

Saw the Principal again, and we talk daily on the phone. He's asking a lot about Matt now. Says he just doesn't get it. Whats there to get? But after Vegas I suppose he does have a point. Of course i didn't tell him about Vegas. His
words already ooze with sarcasm whenever we speak of Matt. Why add more to it?

My writing is at an official stand still. I just haven't had the time or energy to write lately. Oh and speaking of writing Jakes fallen off the face of the earth. Why the hell do I care so much? I'm tempted EVERY day to message him. And everyday it's a struggle to stop myself. I'm so pathetic.

I've been running again just in my yard for now. It's big enough! I'll take to the streets soon, haven't been to the gym in a while. I'll admit it now, I'm avoiding Joel.

Where do I start?

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:41:13 GMT

Wow. So was the Principal right or was it just the alcohol? Shit, I'm not a little girl but I do know that alcohol plays a big roll in people inhibitions and what not. God knows I've done/said some stupid things in my time that I wished to hell I could take back the next morning. So was this one of those moments for Matt?

Okay we took off to Vegas on Friday, sang at the top of our lungs to 80's music it was great. NOTHING like my trips to Vegas with Chris. OMG! I always take books with me when me and him go anywhere so I can read until we get there. Whatever, so we get to Vegas check in our room was the coolest, he paid for the suite btw so that was a plus. It was actually only one bedroom and the other bed was in the front room (sofa bed) I got the room he! First night was cool, gambling, drinking, eating, shopping. We actually got back to the room fairly early around midnight anyway and we talked and had a few more beers then went to bed. Next day again was very nice, breakfast then we drove around and saw a few of the newest casinos, then the outlets (got a new purse! Yay!) then back to the room changed and then my gift to me. I went down to the spa and got the most incredible massage. Went back to the room and took a nap then woke up starving so I called Matt who was in the Casino (he opted out of the massage and naptime) he sounded a little buzzed and said he'd pass on eating too so I ordered room service. After, I took a shower got all prettied up and went downstairs, I couldn't find him for a while then saw him heading out from the restrooms and he was looking pretty goofy. I insisted he eat something so we got him a slice of pizza and he seemed to sober up a little bit. They had a band in one of the lounges playing Prince music, it was so cool so we danced! How long had it been since I'd been dancing? idk but too long. The dancing seemed to sober Matt up so then we stepped out of there to cool off a little and play a little blackjack. The drinks started coming and I started feeling good, while Matt was waaay ahead of me. ANYWAY, long story short, by the end of the night Matt was pretty wasted and I had to kind of help him back to the room when we got there I was fumbling for the key in my purse and he was leaning against the door way inches away from my face and then it happend. He kissed me. Not a long wet one or anything just more of a peck with some slight tongue action. It was kind of sloppy actually. And he said I was so beautiful. he stared at my shocked eyes for a second, then he stood up straight real quick and apologized. Like it sobered him up suddenly once we were in the room he apologized again and again then went into the restroom FOREVER I thought he passed out but he came out finally face all washed up and he again apologized over and over. I told him to forget about it, he sat down on the sofa and within minutes he was out.

Here's the thing, it was never mentioned again and I kind of believe he forgot it ever happend. He didn't act wierd, or anything and he didn't apologize again. I never brought it upand that was that. The ride home was like any other laughing, talking arguing about the stupidest things. So what now? I'm certainly not mentioning to Chris, what for? and of course the Principal won't hear about it either. Something tells me hed be smug about it. Was it just the alcohol? Will it happen again? Could he really have those kind of feelings for me? It's insane! We argue like brother and sister all the time. he's really become one of my closest friends, and he wouldn't do that to his brother. hmm a lot to think about. I'd hate to lose his friendship, I don't want to start thinking about spending less time with him. I like having him around. He's my pal. sigh

There will be more on this I'm sure

Oh yeah, pathetically I sent Jake a message today. Of course he hasn't responded.

Vegas tomorrow!

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 18:11:27 GMT

I'm so excited. It's been a long week so I really need this. Oh yeah, the Prinicipal and I had an interesting conversation about me going to Vegas with Matt. He doesn't get it. He didn't say it but I can tell that he thinks maybe there is more to it. Maybe Matt has more of an interest in me than he's lettin on. But I think after explaining the situation and maybe it's cause I had an attitude about him even going there he backed off. Men can't except that you can have a relationship with a guy who isn't related to you (by blood) or gay and it be totally innocent. Anyway the subject was dropped and I hadn't even brought it up then this morning I have a message from him on my writing website mailbox. All it said was "In case I don't get to talk to you before tomorrow, be careful, have fun...but not too much. "/ " I didn't even respond. idk I just don't need anymore drama in my life.

So I finally heard from him. Yep, Jake. He really hasn't said much lately. I think he must be dating now. He had this passion for writing and was always sharing snippits of anything knew he wrote and suddenly NOTHING. It's gotta be a new woman in his life. *sigh* I'll just have to find a new fantasy guy.

We ordered new furniture for the game room and and it never came. >:(   Chris went down there and got our money back didn't even want to hear their BS. So now we have to go shopping again. Ugghh takes us so long to decide on anything too!!

It's cold!!!!! Just like that we went from temp's being in the high 90's low 100's to high 50's!! And storm's a'brewin! We got a big storm comin our way. Of course it will be here just in time for our 3 hour drive to Vegas. Oh well. I'm not driving!

Well off to finish packing!

bummer

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 03:11:20 GMT

Not too much time here. But had to get this down. I just deleted this long ass ramble trying to justify something that is obviously wrong. If it weren't then I wouldn't be spending so much time trying to explain why it isn't.

The short and sweet of it is this. I saw the Principal again. Though we didn't nor have we ever done anything wrong. Theres no doubt in my mind that although I don't consider my marriage a typical one, Chris would still absolutely flip. So why do I justify it? For the simple fact that I see the Principal like any other guy friend I've gone to lunch with or had coffee with. Just a friend. A good one that I can really talk to. I'm not young and naive anymore. I know no man is in it just for the friendship. No man will invest this much time if its all for nothing. No matter how noble a friend. In the end they're all thinking the same thing. But I was hoping, this guy would be different.  Matt and I are great friends and we would never DREAM of doing anything the thought has never crossed my mind anyway. And though we do argue a lot we are still really tight.

Well... up until today. The Principal has never so much as uttered anything inappropriate. Well I'll take that back way back before he knew my marital status because we just hadn't gone there yet he did come on pretty strong but once he knew my situation he really backed off and has been totally respectful since. So I mentioned the other day that I'm going to Vegas next week. And as usual he doesn't ask nosey questions. Why? With who? for how long? just "really good for you. Go have fun."

So today the subject of Matt comes up when he asked where my kids were. (My son is with Matt and his sons at a Monster Truck show.) Now I've mentioned Matt to the P before. But not in depth, just that he is my brother-in-law and that he is often over here when he has his boys and me and the kids do a lot of stuff with them.  I've mentioned how its wierd that I've always been able to talk to Matt much better than my own husband. And that in a way he;'s like an older brother to me. He's never commented much on it. Then Vegas comes up again and I'm in the middle of a sentence where I mention that I'm going with Matthew. He stops me mid-sentence to ask "Just you and him?" and I say yeah, well unless my other brother in law can make it but right now it's looking like they won't. Then he makes a very UNcharacteristic remark for him. It's almost sarcastic. "When you said you two were close I didn't realize how close." And of course being the insecure, paranoid person that I am, I immediately snap. "What does that mean?"
Long story short, he back peddled but he was wierd after that. And though we changed the subject he kept coming back to it. He's very smart so he would do it in subtle ways. He basically wanted to know if we've ever done something like this before me and Matt. Which the answer was nope. But I'm not even nervous about it. It's like I'm going with a my best girl-friend I'm all psyched.  One thing I definately noticed is the P changed. He seemed different not as nice. And now I get home and I have an e-mail from him where he basically says, very eloquently I might add, that he's while he risks sounding incredibly intrusive. I'm a grown woman and I know what I'm doing but he doesn't think it's a good idea. He wants me to call him. *sigh* I know where this is going. If it were truly a platonic friendship between me and him he woudln't care. Then I tell myself maybe he is just worried about me. Right? Anyway I don't know why but I feel pretty bummed about this.

Matt and Vegas

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 18:39:38 GMT

Well I said I had more on this. Guess who's going to Vegas with Matt. Me yay! After talking to Chris and telling him about his brother and how he was actually considering taking the ditz we came to the conclusion that both me and Matt need to get away. I haven't been to Vegas in ages. So I'm really looking forward to it. Chris isn't going of course the whole point is I get away. And with his brother with me, there is no danger of any stupid accusations of me being over there doing anything wrong. Mason (his younger brother) and his wife might go to. Thats still up in the air. But me and Matt are definately going. Not this weekend but the next I can't wait!!! Off to shop for Vegas clothes!

Just a little tidbit here

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 01:50:28 GMT

Before I forget details. Matthew came over this weekend with the boys. We have the newly improved guest room so they stayed the night. Chris was working as usual so it was just us. We bbq'd and the boys went swimming, it was nice. Interesting thing though, he brought up the ditz a few times and I asked him if he is still talking to her. He said no at first, but something told me he had but probably felt too stupid to admit it. I was trying to be nice, and changed the subject several times without being rude, but he kept bringing her up. Then he fesses up and says, she invited him to go Vegas with her. She has no job, no money, lives with mom and pop, is sleeping with her baby daddy and she's inviting him? So I asked who was paying for the trip and he gets all pissed off. He says he used to be able to talk to me about anything and now all I do is put him down or and I'm always negative about things.. What does he expect me to say? Oh really? That sounds great! Sorry but I'm not the sugar coating type. I say it like it is and he used to like that about me. I told him he was nuts if he went and I'd lose all respect for him. He always asks what I think ALWAYS so it's not like i'm just butting in here. I'm just being honest. I asked him if really even cared about her. She is sooo not his type, or what I would imagine his type is. He's a smart guy with a lot of class. Why would he be into such trash. Then he asked if I really thought she was trashy? Why would I say it if I didn't ?!!!

Anyway a lot more on this but I gotta get out of here.

He's only twelve girls!

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 17:47:40 GMT

Okay so my son (Myles) is only twelve. This is his first year in middle school. He just started a couple of weeks ago and his cell phone is ringing off the hook! It drives me crazy. I had to set rules that his phone is to be turned off while he does homework. First it was just his guy friends who were calling, but then I realized many of the calls he is getting are from the girls at his new school. Of course I told him only the ones with the same carrier can call him on his cell I'm not going to pay for all those minutes! So what happens? The house phone starts ringing almost as soon as he gets home. It's rediculous and I've eaves dropped a few times to see what is so important. A bunch of "I'm just kicking back, I'm watching tv, I'm eating an apple" ughh They have to know what he is doing every minute. The worse thing is he says he didn't even give them his number. They got it from his friends. I thought it would be exciting when the girls started calling but it's flippin annoying. They over do it! I did ask if he liked any of them and got a big exasperated "Mom!" but my insider Melanie tells me the one girl he has mentioned is cute doesn't call him. Figures!

On another note. School is getting heavy. I didn't realize what load I took on. But I can handle it. Right?

Haven't heard from Jake lately. :(

Oh and I had coffee with the Principal this weekend. I was able to get away for a few minutes and I do mean a few, very few. We hung out for like 25 minutes then I had to go. He hugs very strongly. But he smells great so I don't mind. More on him later.

Fire!!

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 19:29:26 GMT

Okay if there ever were an award for worst way to break bad/negative news my mother would win hands down. A few years ago she calls me and she sounds a little nervous so I ask whats wrong. She beats around the bush a little then finally spits out "your cousin Joey shot himself today". So imagine my reaction, immediately I'm almost in tears, and gasping "What? OMG! Is he dead?" Well after realizing how wrong that came out she starts stuttering and back peddling, in the mean time I'm going into hysterics. Well, turns out my cousin J who is a cop shot himself in the foot by mistake and he was just fine. In fact miraculously the bullet missed all the important stuff, bones, muscles, tendons, all of it and went right through. After the fact, I let my mom have it. "How can you scare me like that? I thought he blew his brains out!"

So what does the woman do yesterday? She calls me and again is nervous. I'd forgotten about the Joey incident btw. I ask what's the matter and again after beating around the bush blurts out. (all of this is in spanish of course.) "There was a fire and your dad was taken to the hospital." So again my heart drops and my hands at my chest. "What?!! what happend? Fire? where? Is he burned?" She realizes that once again, she failed to deliver the news in a non-alarming way. Well turns out the fire was in the neighbors garage that sits right at the property line of my parents and a shed that my dad has in the back filled with nothing but crap. My dad notices his precious shed is starting to smoke so what does he do? Opens the shed and out comes (well my mom said anyway) a bunch of thick black smoke. Instead of running the opposite direction or perhaps picking up the hose, my dad dives in to try to save the array of useless small appliances and old lifeless lawn mowers. JUNK nothing but junk. In the process he is sucking up all that smoke, so of course he passes out. Luckily for him he passed out on his way out of the shed, and since the fire department was already there trying to take the fire out next door, they were there immediately when my mom flagged them down. Well the good news is dads okay now. Bad the news is they managed to put out the fire befiore it could burn the entire junk shed down. In fact most of it is in tact. uugghh.

Back to school

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 01:16:50 GMT

Yep, after all these years I've decided to go back. Well see how it goes. I'll write more on this when there is more to write about.

Got to get everything down that has been happening since I last documented anything! I'm forgetting some details!

Okay, so I gave in and went to therapy with Chris. I've gone quite a few times now. The last update I wrote when I was feeling really emotional and overwhelmed with guilt. I found out hes taking pills for depression. Yeah, I say I found out because OF COURSE he didn't tell me, I found the pills in his overnight bag when I was looking for dirty laundry. When I confronted him he admitted he was taking several different kinds. So the next time we went to therapy I brought it up the doc mentioned I was the main reason he was depressed. Everything else in his life is doing well, job, kids, health, well physical not mental. Though he did admit Chris has issues that go way back the main thing that is keeping him down now is the fact that I am no longer in love with him. And the doc asked me point blank if I'm having an affair. After answering as civil as I could, he continued to ask a what felt like a million questions he finally said in front of Chris that he believed I was telling the truth. Well thank you! Though, he asked to see me later alone and told me he thinks there is more to it. That although, communication is key in a marriage and it's obvious it is lackiing in mine, he thinks there could be more. Maybe I'm not having an affair but perhaps I've fallen in love with someone else. Someone who has the qualities I wish for so much in Chris. hmm idk. I"m still mulling that one over. He also sai it would be in both our best interests to NOT prolong the marriage any further. Otherwise Chris won't even begin the healing process until it's truly over. *sigh*

Enough of that or I'll get all moody. Oh another biggie that I've been wanting to get down. I met the Principal! I know how this reads but no, I'm not in love with The P. I'd mentioned in our chats that I have family that lives very near him and he immediately insisted that next time I was there I should call him and we get together for lunch or dinner. So after another excruciating visit to the therapist with Chris making more accusations, I went to visit my aunt. I really had to. My mom had been on my ass about it for weeks. So I almost didn't but at the last moment I told him I'd be in town and of course he made plans. I kept it short though. I made it a point to see him BEFORE my aunt so that I could have a good reason to cut it short. Especially if he turned out to be off or anything. He wasn't. It was a very pleasant breakfast. He has an incredible presence about him. Very tall, and he was going straight to work after so he was in a suit and tie. Dashing and sophisticated are the best words to describe him. But I never felt entirely comfortable. It almost felt as if I were having breakfast with my superior. I was able to laugh and be myself but idk. Maybe because he is a Principal for a high school, it felt like I was a student in my best behavior. lol Who knows. But that was exciting. Haven't felt that nervous in YEARS. Call it what you want. I might be rebelling. If I'm gonna be called a cheater well... not that I cheated or plan on it. But might as well have a little fun right?

Few more things to jot down. But not enough time to get into too much detail. So I saw Joel again after the incident with Chris and he acted like such an immature ass, actually saying stuff like, "I'm sorry but, if I ever run into your husband again, I might just have to kick his ass." Gawd! I told him not to bother I was able to convince my hubby I'm in NO WAY interested in having an affair with a kid. He laughed. Whatever.

He my fantasy guy. Maybe I should give him a name uh? Lets see, whats good enough for him? How bout Jake? Yeah one syllable is perfect for him. Okay so Jake finally messaged me again. I thought I'd heard the last from him I really did. And I made every effort to not message him anymore. We've only messaged a couple times now. I don't know what it is about him. Maybe it's that he is everything I wish I could be? Or Chris could be? hmm he's beyond brilliant, and oh I don't want to sound like a high school girl gushing here. All I know is I was so glad to hear from him again. But I have to keep the fantasies under control before they start to take over my emotions again. God I can't believe what a mess I was about him. Geez! How old am I?!!

Oh and before I forget. Matthew broke it off with ditzo for good this time. But not before me and him got into it good over her! uugghh. So he'd called me several times and we talked for hours about the fact that she was going off to Arizona to take her son to see his dad. I thought it was kind of wierd that she was staying over there for a few days. I asked Matt if she was visiting her ex as well. He said, no, she'll be staying in a hotel. And I said whey does she have to stay though, it was like 4 days! So i guess I started getting on his nerves. Then she comes back and mind you they make this little trip once a month. A few days later her ex is here. And dumb ass Matt had her already spending the night at his place. Then i ask is she moving in. The response, "I'm not sure." He's only been seeing her for a few months, she's a total loser, and she's visiting her ex. Yes, I said all this and he was maaaad. Hey, he asks I don't hold back. Well guess what? Ex comes lookin for her at Matts place. Apparently he went to her parents they told him where she was he went nuts luckily her parents had the sense to go with him to Matts and her dad was able to defuse the situation. But he made her tell Matt that she'd slept with him just the week before when she was in Arizona and that she always did when she went over there and that this time they even began talking about getting back together. So when Matt finally fesses up and tells me I was right all along he still can't figure out why she would play him like that if she already had a man. HELLO! Maybe because she saw dollar signs? Her ex works at a jail, and lives in an apartment. Not exactly her walk of life. I can tell by all the designer shit she wears and how flippin vain she is. Of course she'd prefer living in Matts awesome house and still have her little visits every month. Well good riddance! I did make a comment that if he got back with her, I wouldn't be speaking to him anymore. I was serious too. I just wouldn't be able to stand it. Nor would I be able to be in the same room with her, ever!

Enough! There's still so much more to write but that'll have to do for now.

I'm so blessed

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 06:10:59 GMT

He loves me. More than anyone will, ever . I take him for granted and I should burn in hell for that. Yes, I'm speaking of Chris. *sigh*

Short here

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 16:50:17 GMT

So flippin busy lately I barely have time to jot a few things down that I'll have to come back and elaborate on later. Just want to get them down so I don't forget.

Chris's therapy, oy vey! Too much to say about that.

The Principal,... I met him!

Matthew, I got into it with him. uuggh

Summer, yikes it's going by so fast and we've done so much! Kids are doing great but not looking forward to going back to school. Though Melanie always looks forward to the bts shopping! "/

Him, he's gone. : ( , I really miss him but I hardly allow myself to think about it.

Critters, I made some new friends. Yep, mostly guys but all very nice and professional.

School, I start in two, well a little over two weeks! Very excited! More on that later

Joel, my trainer finally talked to him after the incident. As I suspected when I first met him, he is a bit immature.

Well hopefully I'll get a chance to come back and write all of whats happening down in detail. But at least now I won't forget.

Writer's Block: In The Money

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 05:28:33 GMT

If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it?

Well considering I have a soccer tournament to be at all weekend, I suppose I'd pocket it and use it for food, snack and gas. Although with my gas guzzler it would probably suck it all up.

Haven't been around in a while and my yahoo mail is really acting up everytime I try to open it to read my mail it freezes. uugggh!

Anyhow, all the drama has really toned down. We even took a trip to the family get away and had a decent time with the kids. I have this tournament I'll be at all weekend now and in a strange way I'm glad I'll be alone. Though Melanie really hates it when he can't be there. What are you gonna do right?

Few things to jot down before I forget. Matthew has been around a bit. First he said he was dumping the ditz. But I ain't stupid so I didn't trash her thinking she's out. I just told him I thought he was making a pretty good decision. Then of course he comes back a few days later and says he went out with her and she really knows how to "turn things on" He was married to an old fart for years so of course he is loving this. And as stupid as she is, the ditz has got to know this. She's playing the game. I told the idiot not to show her his home, but he had to show off so she ain't going no where! Well good luck to him.

Had an argument with my son tonight. Apparently Melanie is ruining his summer. She has no friends on this Cul-d-sac or even around the block. We are infested with nothing but boys. So Myles is the one who always has friends here not her. And yet NONE of his friends have done anything mentionable this summer we've been to the lake twice. Myles and Melanie more because they've gone with their grandparents. They had a fabulous 4th of July in LA while thier friends did nothing up her in the desert where fireworks are not allowed. Now we will be spending this weekend at a Disneyland resort hotel because Melanie's tournament is right by there and on Monday we'll actually go to Disneyland, but because he had to come in early tonight cause we're leaving so early in the morn we have to be in bed early, Melanie is ruining his summer! And all his numbnut friends are telling him that too! uugghh so lets just say I let him have it. But he has such a sweet heart, he left my room and after about ten minutes came back and apologized. This is why I can't be away from them!!! My kids are so my life!

I always think about him. But I feel really pathetic mentioning since I don't hear from him anymore unless I initiate. And I don't want to bug anymore so we may be through. *sigh* Still I miss him so.

Gotta go to bed early morn tomorrow. YAWN.

Eli

Writer's Block: Bump In The Night

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 05:51:28 GMT

What are you afraid of?
So many things! first ANYTHING HAPPENING TO MY KIDS.

Second. That I've made a bad mistake.

Third: That he doesn't love me like I love him .

It's been a while...

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 03:43:06 GMT

I have so much to document before I start forgetting how it all went down.

So I worked out with Joel last Wednesday and Chris had another therapy session. Now I don't know what the hell kind of shit that therapist is putting in his head, but when I got home from working out questioning whether I was telling him the real truth about why I wasn't happy and if it the truth wasn't really that I was in love with someone else. He had a few beers and thank God the kids weren't here because before you know it we were in a screaming match.

The following day I didn't really feel like workin out but I had to get out the house, so I went to the gym again. Joel was on his way out when I got to the gym and we talked for a little while outside in the parking lot. I can't help that he makes me laugh he is just a funny guy. He started telling me about the date he'd gone out the night before. He'd mentioned it to me the day before during our work out and was really nervous about it. So I asked to be polite and he really got into it. I'm leaning on a car as he tells me all the details and he's totally cracking me up. Turns out the girl a really out there. Totally into Scientology and trying to convert him on their first date. Gawd!

Anyway Chris pulls up in the parking lot behind the car I'm leaning on, gets out of the car and charges Joel like a flippin maniac. I wasn't even aware that it was Chris and exactly what was going on until he was in Joels face. Now Chris is a big guy and no doubt intimidating, but Joel is in the prime of his life, works out and lifts everyday. The guy didn't seem intimidated in the least. So I had my hands full with two macho guys and was completely mortified because Chris is saying things like "is this your fucking boyfriend!?" and "Are you sleeping with my wife? You do know she's married right?" So that everyone in the flippin parking lot could hear!!! I don't have to mention just how pissssed I was. (I'm glad i waited to write this btw or there would've been a hell of lot more vulgar language here.)

So after a few of the other trainers (Joels friends) come out and break it up and we're asked to leave (how humilating!) I get in my car and Chris follows me ordering me through clenched teeth, to go straight home so we could talk. I figure why bother going anywhere else, he'd only follow me and make a scene there. I'd been humilated enough. Once we are home he starts barking at me about how he just knew it, he knew it all along. I'm full of shit. No wonder I've been working out so much. I've probably been effing that guy for months now maybe longer. And before him how many others? Well after i slapped him good and hard he finally shut the F up. I hate that I can't be mad with out the tears just flooding my entire face. I told him I was done arguing this. He had always accused me of this since day one. He can't accept that communication is that important to me. It's gotta be about the sex. At that point I was hysterical. I couldn't believe he did that to me. Even through the worse of times I'd always had the utmost respect for him. I treated him kindly I was never mean and he goes and does something like that?

Bottom line is I packed up called my mother-in-law who was supposed to be dropping off the kids later that night and asked her to take them to my moms. I didn't feel like explaining I said I was just going to be visiting my parents for a few days, but I knew she knew. To top it off when I tell my mom about it she says Chris had a point. uuuggghh!! She said even though I wasn't actually doing anything, giving what we've gone through I should really try to do things that don't even look bad. F that! I'm sorry, I went to work out. And in the processs stopped to chat with a friend! But intstead of arguing with my mother I just nodded my head a lot while I was there. Talk about feeling alone. Chris called several times but never to apologize, just to ask about the kids and when we were coming home. I didn't tell him but I wasn't budging until I got an apology and he admitted he acted like an idiot and promised to never do it again. Even through all this I'm willing to stick it out for the kids. But he didn't so I came home when I knew he wasnt' here and got more clothes and things for us. I really packed cause I wasn't sure how long I'd be gone and I didn't want to have to come back.

Then my mother-in-law stops by after few days to talk to me. Says Chris told her I was gone cause I was mad and he wasn't sure I was ever coming back. (Drama queen!) I told her exactly what happend and what I was accused of and had no intentions of going back to live with someone who thought of me like that. Shockingly, she was mad at him. I know, I know. I was just floored! Though she did add that under the circumstances I should try to understand the amount of stress he's been under and how after a separation like the one we had it's natural for him to feel insecure. *rolls eyes* I was polite about it. My mother begged me to be as we saw her car drive up the driveway. So I was good. But she didn't manage to persuade me come back. Next morning he showed up and wanted us to go to breakfast. Seems mommy dearest had a long talk with him the night before and now he was all apologetic. So I'm back But I swear on my kids and I told him this too. I will not stick around and be treated like this. The next outburst like that, it doesn't even have to be as close to what he did this time. All he has to do is start accusing me things again, and I'm out! I really truly am. I don't care if he's drunk even. I'm not gonna live like this. I can stand the charade and fake smiles and all but I will not be verbally or emotionally abused I refuse. Hell If I really wanted to mess around I would've already flown out to meet my fantasy guy and had some real hot times with him. I'm not sacrificing all these years of my life being lonely just to be accused of whoring around! Bullsh-!

Breath in ... breath out. It's been a long week and a half. So get his after all that flippin drama we're talking about taking a trip to Disneyworld... or at the very least down the hill for a few days to do Disneyland and a few other parks. The kids were pretty bored and grandma and grandpas. Alright thats enough for now. I need a glass of wine.

I'm done

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:11:37 GMT

He was with her. He wrote back saying yes he'd been with the group I suspected which includes her. I was so jealous of her even beorer this. I'd read some of her stuff and she's so much smarter than me. Probably just his type. I can't even stand to write back or log back on to that site. I'm done with it for a while. I've obviously over done the fantasy I NEED to stay away from him. Crying like this over someone you don't even know can't be healthy. It's STUPID. I won't be visiting that website for a while.

Chris went to therapy but didn't say a word about how it went. Wow, how surprising. I totally expected him to sit down and really talk about his feelings to me. Right. *sigh* I hate men!

My kids are not here!!!!!!! Off to work-out now, I really need to work off some of this stress and stop cryin ALREADY!!! F- !

Oh yeah, my mind has been so busy with him, Chis's therapy, and my kids being gone. I hadn't wrote anything about Joel. I worked out with him again. It's been pretty cool. I'll probably work out with him again today. He's not acting like he was before. So as long as it stays this way I think I'll keep working out with him. He makes me laugh at least. And right now God knows I need a good laugh.

Seriously!

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 14:08:34 GMT

What is my problem? I lost sleep over him! Yep! tossed and turned all night! I barely know him! My fantasies about him are supposed to be for gettnig me through the day, fun. This isn't fun anymore. I really need to snap out of it. This is rediculous!

Mother-in-law picking up kids today. Never a good thing when I'm away from them. *sigh* And to top it off, Chris starts therapy today. We'll see how that goes. Only reason I know is cause I got the phone call with the reminder of his appointment. He hadn't told me he'd already made the appointment. He's really going through with this. It's gonna be a loong week. Almost feel like not logging on to my other website for a while. Might be for the best.

So pissed

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 04:58:52 GMT

Don't know why really? Is it stupid or just crazy to feel incredibly jealous about someone you've never even met? He took a trip and I'm pretty sure it was to hang out with a woman. He didn't say so, but I just know it. I've done enough snooping around to know just who he was visiting too. He's supposed to be just my fantasy guy, the one that takes me away from the hard times, he's real only in the sense that hes' not made up and I actually communicate with him but I know nothing will ever happen between him and I. Well, it could maybe 5 years from now, but by then he'll probably be married again, so really NEVER. It's NONE of my business what he does in his personal life but I'm so fucking jealous right now I want to spit! Why do I do this to myself? Am I seriously gonna cry about this? God I'm pathetic!!

7-7-7 Lucky day!

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 01:23:19 GMT

Lots and lots to catch up on. First off before I get to the 4^th of July. This earlier this week, Chris announces he wants us to go to counseling, says he knows we can work it out and he’s now willing to try anything. I effing begged him for months before the separation and even during to come with me, maybe a therapist could help him understand why I was so unhappy since he obviously didn’t get it when I tried explaining. When I was going with the kids the therapist told me she didn’t want to see him unless he was willing to come of his own free will. And his response was “No quack is gonna tell me how to screw my wife” yep those were his exact words. As if the counseling would have ANYTHING to do with screwing. That was never an issue in our marriage. In fact it was probably one of the only good things about our marriage. The reason why sticking it out for so long didn’t seem like such a sacrifice, probably the reason why I gave into the kiss last week. He confuses lust with love. And now he wants to try the therapy.

After all these months to be completely honest I don’t’ want to try anymore. I’m at a different place emotionally and I feel like I finally got here. I accept now that me and him just weren’t meant to be. It took a lot but I’ve made it and I’m at peace with it. I don’t want to go backwards. I’m done. So I explain this to him and of course he’s not the least bit happy to hear it and says I’m just being vindictive now because he didn’t go when I wanted him to. So guess what? He says he’s going with or without me. I’m sticking to my guns I’m not going. And I’m not being stubborn, I really, really just want to move on. I feel that if I were in love I’d be happy about this, willing to try but I’m not. I’m just not. I’ll admit I feel a tiny bit of guilt over this. I mean I could go and just tell him and the therapist that I’m not happy anymore and I’m convinced I’d be happier without him. What am I afraid of right? Maybe a part of me is still terribly hurt that when I begged and pleaded in tears for him to go, to do for me or for the kids at the very least, he absolutely refused.

Enough about that before I get in a bad mood. The Laundromat. I’ve gone several times to no avail. *sigh* I refuse to give up on this one. I feel sooo stupid for not getting more of their info in the first place. Oh well can’t do nothing about that now. I’ll just have to keep trying.

Okay Matthew. He was at the 4^th of July gathering at my in laws with the Ditz. This was just a day after the therapy conversation with Chris so me and him weren’t exactly being the most loving of couples, staying away from each other pretty much the whole time we were there. He spent hours in the pool while I had to sit with Matthew and the Ditz. Call me mean, but I have an incredibly hard time keeping my cool when speaking to such ignorant people. Not only that but just comes across so fake, even her laugh. I do well at first laughing along with her but after a while I enjoy making her feel stupid when she laughs at her own stupid jokes and I don’t even crack a smile. Apparently Matthew gets a big kick out of this, because at one point when she got up to go to the restroom he leaned over and said “will you knock it off?” He was smiling but I was surprised he’d noticed. I straight out asked him how he could stand it. Oh and to top it off she’s a flippin lush! Now I know I enjoy my wine and my beer with lemon and salt, but this girl pounds them and then she talks even more! Ugghh!! There was only so much I could take and I finally went and sat somewhere else. Matthew walks by me and says “that bad uh?” And laughs like its hilarious. He mentioned wanting to take the kids to Sea World some time in the next couple of weeks and we should all go together. He already knows I have zero respect for his girlfriend so I told him flat out. Not if she’s going. So he said if I was forcing him to make a choice he’d choose me. *grins* Oh that reminds me! I left the best part out. After the ditzy lush had had a few she waited until we were alone and asked me about the game last week. Then casually says “that’s good that you’re husband doesn’t mind you going out and drinking with another guy.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T! So of course in my very sweet and gentle way I explained that I don’t’ go out and drink with other men, I went to a ball game with my brother-in-law and our kids. Then she says she heard about Thirsty Thursdays and it sounds like fun. That for sure she’d have him take her next time. Well good for her cause I won’t be there! I didn’t say that but of course I did lay it on thick about how she should go because we just had the time of lives. It was soooo fun! Well, she started it!!! I did btw mention this to Matt and of course he said he wouldn’t dream of breaking up our Thirsty Thursdays.

We played Hold’em later that night me being the only woman at the table as usual and she sat there next to him acting even stupider than normal. Doing the “poor lil ole me, I just haven’t the faintest idea what ya’ll are playin!” With Matthew having to explain everything to her like a child SEVERAL times. Okay, enough of her I’m getting queasy just thinking about it.

I have more to write but not enough time. I’ll try to get back here later tonight. If not as soon as possible before I start forgetting!

OMG Ghetto behavior!!

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 17:46:26 GMT

And who was behaving like this? None other than yours truly! Okay I guess I’ve always known I’m over protective with my kids. But then what mother isn’t? Only I never realized to what extent I could totally lose my cool over someone messing with them. Now I know why they say always steer clear of a bear, but especially so when her cubs are around.

Woke up this morning and realized we are out of eggs. So we went to the market. My hands are still a little shaky as I type this. Beautiful day, start of a new week, everything is great. Go to the market just me and my daughter. In the market they have a starbucks Melanie loves starbucks so on the way out I get her a frapuccino. When we get to the car we unload our stuff and Melanie hands me her drink to hold while she takes the cart back to where it belongs. I watch and remind her to watch out for cars. I see a car coming toward her but I assume the woman sees her, though she’s on the phone and not entirely paying attention. I tell Melanie to wait and see if the lady is going to stop. Seemingly the lady slows down so Melanie continues and crosses in front of her then the lady suddenly speeds up, I scream to M to watch it! And she hurries up the lady drives by her narrowly missing her. Looking back now I don’t think the woman had even noticed her until she nearly hit her cause she was too busy on her F-ing phone.

Now mind you I’ve never been in a fight in my life. I’m not the low class type that flips people off while driving, though I’m an impatient driver I just don’t do that. I consider myself to be a classy and polite person. But nothing can explain what I felt when that Fucking Bitch nearly hit my baby. So as the car came by me what was my first instinct? I throw the frapuccino at the windshield and scream, “You fucking Idiot! You almost hit my daughter!” Ghetto fabulous!

So she swerves and stops. You think at this point I would rush Melanie in the car and get the hell out of there. No, not psycho mom. I stand there wait for her to step out of her car and proceed to tell her she needs to get off her fucking phone and watch where she is going.

She takes a few steps toward me and tells me I’m gonna pay to get her car washed. And oh yes people are gathering now. Normally I would be horribly embarrassed but it was so wierd. It was as if I was another person. The only thing on my mind at this moment was this bitch almost hurt my baby! So I rush toward her and tell her I’m not washing her fucking car and she’s lucky I don’t fuck her up. Yes I said fuck her up! I’m not even sure I know how to throw a decent punch, but at that moment my fists were tightly clenched and I was ready to rip her to shreds. The look on my face must have been pure horror because she got back in her car real quick and drove away. I didn’t even realize I was shaking until I tried putting the keys in the ignition. Melanie of course was mortified, and insisted the car hadn’t come nearly as close as I say it did. At the moment she says she’s never going back to that market again. I didn’t notice but she says some of the employees had come out. Apparently someone had gone in and told them there was a crazy lady out in the parking lot flinging frappuccinos at cars. *hangs head*

Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would behave in such a way. When they were smaller yeah, I’d turn into one of those bitchy mom’s at the park snapping at the older kids to be careful when they ran too quickly near my just-started-walking and a bit wobbly baby. And yeah, there’ve been plenty of times when I’ve given some nasty looks at people I thought were being rude or using bad language around them. Once I even threatened to take my party a leave a restaurant if the manager didn’t ask the rude animal at the next table to stop cussing so loudly. But I was very polite and professional about it. *sigh* I remember seeing the lady who shot the man during the court proceedings who raped her son, and thinking “My God what was she thinking?” I know now without a doubt I would do the same thing. Anyway had to get this one down. How shameful though. I must learn to control myself no matter what the situation. My daughter was pretty embarrassed, not to mention scared. She said she really thought I was going to fight the woman. And I probably would've had she not gotten back in her car.